Don’t Watch These TV Shows With Your Partner! NSFW
A comfy sofa, a bottle of wine, and binge-watching the latest series you’ve been tackling together… Snuggling up in front of the TV with your other half can be one of life’s romantic pleasures. Yet every now and then, television can be a total turn-off! Whether it’s a woman cutting her own mother open with a fork and proceeding to vomit on her innards, or Adam Levine getting his arm ripped off mid-blow job, some shows guarantee to kill the vibe between even the most passionate of lovers. So, if a little sofa action is what you seek tonight, don’t watch these TV shows with your partner!
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Take it from those of us who’ve sat through that concubine scene with our partners when we say you don’t want to be watching this with yours. A cold lineup of nude women in unadorned lighting just isn’t the one to watch with your lover when you’re in your dressing gown having just shovelled takeaway into your pie hole. Thirteenth-century nakedness of questionable consent with no backing soundtrack? The awkward silence is inevitable.
American Horror Story
Not many couples want to be reminded of the fact that a bloodthirsty copycat killer could be lurking in the shadows, waiting to rip their limbs off while they’re making love. To be fair, unless you’ve chosen to do it in a creepy abandoned mental asylum, you’re probably safe from the murderous wrath of the Bloody Face killers and the numerous other hideous monsters from the A.H.S. annals. Nevertheless, scenes such as this one kinda take the fun out of kinky spontaneity. Even Mr ‘Hands All Over’ Levine was too scared of the show to watch it himself.
In possibly the first and probably the last TV sex scene where the impetus of male arousal is the female projectile coughing blood into his face, the encounter between Brona Croft and Dorian Gray in ‘Séance’ is – much like actor Reeve Carney – more sickly than sexy. “I’ve never f**ked a dying creature before. Do you feel things more deeply, I wonder?” he coos to the consumptive prostitute, putting us off intimacy forever. Then again, some of you may be into that kind of thing. We won’t judge.
Sex and the City
There are few things better than watching four strong women have a brutally honest conversation about the disappointment of a tiny gherkin penis… Unless you’re a straight man watching it with your girlfriend, that is. Ladies, do his self-esteem a favour and catch up with Carrie and co. in your own time.
Shirley murdering (and then vomiting into the guts of) her own mother was more than most viewers could stomach in the latest episode of Sky Atlantic’s Fortitude, and far too disgusting to picture here. We couldn’t touch our dinner afterwards, let alone our partners. And don’t expect the graphic horror of the show to end there! We’re expecting the virus that’s running around town to infect future episodes with similar gruesome scenes. Hats off to the show for being the most off-putting thing we’ve seen on TV for a long time.
There are way too many awkward scenes in Girls to list, however Hannah’s visit to the gynaecologist in the wonderfully titled ‘Vagina Panic’ is high up there in the unsexy stakes. Come to think of it, any gynaecologist/fertility clinic/STD-related story lines are probably best avoided if you wanna be getting steamy later on. Along with any Hannah and Adam bedroom scenes, shower scenes, role-play scenes… You get the picture.
Jeremy Kyle/Jerry Springer
To say that these shows reveal the ugliest side of relationships would be the understatement of the century. When Jerry and Jeremy aren’t horrifying us with tales of cheating, paternity disputes, incest, mothers running away with their daughters’ boyfriends etc. etc., they occasionally indulge their shock-thirsty audiences with stomach-churning attempts at freaky romance. Take for example this woman, who turns herself into a ‘human pizza’ to win back her philandering boyfriend. Anyway, it goes without saying that this shit is far from ideal for viewing with your boo.
On the whole we’re fans of shows starring vengeful sex-addict women with borderline personality disorders, but even we think Nip/Tuck took it too far when Christian thrusted Gina off the edge of a roof with his penis, basically shagging her into oblivion. You won’t want thoughts of this completely twisted relationship lingering in your mind when trying to get sweet with your loved one.
While we’re on the topic of mid-coitus murder and why you shouldn’t go out of your way to watch such scenes with your partner, don’t let Tanya’s erasure of Frank in the glorious Footballers’ Wives plant seeds of suspicion in the mind of whoever you’re sharing a bed with. Heck, Zoe Lucker’s brazen tan and hideous acting is enough to deter us from any hanky panky tonight.
Charlie Runkle is perhaps television’s most torturously cringeworthy character. Competing with his innumerable office wanking scenes is that one time he gave himself a man period by shaving himself bald in areas besides his head. It’s almost as embarrassing as his lower back tramp stamp, and neither image is one you want to have in your head when getting frisky.